Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening me! Mike Pompeo, Mike Pompeo. It’s superhero movie time. Take the GDP of a developing country and throw it at implausible characters created in the 1950s to entertain 13 year olds in between them practicing ducking and covering in case of a nuclear attack, add some CGI developed by soon to be made redundant by artificial intelligence animators and try to make it of interest to a contemporary audience whose attention span is so shrivelled it could get a side gig as Emmanuel Macron’s foreskin (just a hunch). What could possibly go right?
First of all, I’d like to give you full disclosure, give me an address and I’ll send over the images. No, I was referring to the fact that I don’t know that much about the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The thing is, I was able to lose my virginity quite young in my life (I was in my late 30s) so I just never really developed an interest. I hope that doesn’t sound boastful. It took me ages to save up for a sex worker and although, when we made love, it was probably the greatest 35 seconds of my life, I still feel perhaps I may have rushed into it too soon.
So I will own up to having never heard of any of the characters in this film apart from someone called Captain America, a flustered and annoyingly bearded superhero who represents an obscure country just south of the Canadian border whose name escapes me. Everyone else was as new to me as a newly birthed foal. Some of them even seemed to be covered in placenta or perhaps I may just need to wipe down my laptop screen again (I watched the film in the cinema but on my laptop, just to annoy everyone). I think the general premise of the film is that these are superheroes but not as you’ve seen them before. They have just as many quirks and foibles as the rest of us. At first, my general impression of the main actors in the film was that the director had just gone into his local Starbucks and hired the entire staff as his cast. Imagine a group of superheroes with massive, crushing, unpaid student loans and you’re almost there. Imagine the Avengers on food stamps, the Fantastic Four on anti-depressants, the X-Men but some of them secretly watch Fox News and nod their heads. Everyday people but with the ability to wear skin tight lycra with nary a skid mark
Also, each of the characters seems to be representative of a particular generation in order of importance, which means in order of who is more likely to purchase the accompanying merchandise of the film. The lead character is Yelena Belova, a sulky, world weary member of Generation Zed which is a petty and pedantic way of saying Gen Zee but I can’t help myself. This is someone who, in the course of their life, never, ever had the chance to have their own MySpace profile and doesn’t even know who Tom is or why he was sitting at that desk. A person whose life is ruled by the tyranny of the like button even more than us older folks. She has SSRIs with her breakfast cereal and can self diagnose over thirty seven neurological disorders without breaking a sweat. She is also Russian, although I’ve subsequently found out that this is not considered a neurological disorder.
The next youngest superhero is Ava Starr or Ghost, a member of the Thunderbolts on the cusp of Gen Z and Millenialism, who can phase through objects such as air, water, mist and condensation. I found her to be the least impressive superhero, if I’m honest, as I too can phase through air, mist and condensation and even water when it’s my summer equinox bath day. There is a chance that she may also be able to phase through other more impressive substances but I missed it as I had gone to the washroom to partake in my own recently purchased substances that I planned to use to help keep me fully conscious during the rest of the blockbuster.
Next up is Captain America John Walker, the obligatorily annoying Millenial. The assistant manager of the Starbuck’s if you will, with the aforementioned annoying beard, who exudes that flustered sense of entitlement we all know and love from his peers. Then not last but definitely quite least is Alexei Shostakov or Red Guardian, member of the Thunderbolts, Russian super soldier counterpart to Captain America, father-figure to Belova and a typical half-witted Generation X cretin. He was definitely the character I had the most in common with. I should say there are a lot of Russian characters in this film and they all have names that sound worryingly like cheap vodka brands one drinks as a teenager; Romanoff, Vostakov Shostakov. Holdmytesticlesandkoff. You know, the type of vodka that has led you or someone you know either to impregnate or be impregnated by someone else also three sheets to the wind on potato derived ethanol. Not that I’m knocking it, after all it’s the only way our species survives and propagates itself in many cases.
Finally, there’s someone from the baby boomer generation, who deservedly, is the major villain of the entire film, mainly because she’s the only one who seems to be a home owner. She’s also the director of the CIA which translates as high functioning psychopathic malignant narcissist with the blood of thousands on her hands…who is also a home owner. You decide which is worse.
She is played by Rachel from Friends, or Kramer from Seinfeld, or someone from the 90s. She’s the one from Seinfeld that didn’t go on an n-word laden rant in a comedy club that was captured on video. Hopefully that narrows it down. I’m pretty sure at least one of the cast members on Seinfeld did not go on an n-word laden rant in a comedy club that was captured on video. Perhaps she did do this in private many, many times, I just don’t have any proof that she did. She does seem like the type that would do this type of thing so I think it’s better for everyone’s safety to assume she did do this and would be willing to do it in the future. I don’t wish her any harm but once everyone realises what she’s probably done and what she almost certainly will do in the future, the sooner we can end her career the better. I’m putting you on notice, Julia Louis-Dreyfus. The character she plays has dark hair with a prominent silver grey streak which makes her bear a striking resemblance to Tulsi Gabbard, who coincidentally, happens to be the United States Director of National Intelligence at this very moment. She also has a henchman who is the spitting image of Donald Trump Jr. so in some ways it seems like the filmmakers are trying to create an allegory that suggests the current Trump administration is in a deathly struggle with the staff of a Starbucks. Which is not too far from actual reality, I think you’d agree.
Watch out for part 2. Coming soon…..